I'm feeling a bit negative today.
My original plan for this weekend was to do my first ever 25k. Moma, Kim, and Pres even come up this weekend despite the fact I'm not going to be able to run it tomorrow morning. Because of my digestive system breaking down, I haven't been able to run or pretty much do anything athletic for the past month. My training took a nosedive into nowheresville and I gained a ton of weight (even though I did not consume half of what I normally eat) just for me to learn there is nothing physically wrong with me. The colonoscopy, CAT Scan, and Small Bowel Study are all clear which is definitely great. Turns out, it's just all stress.
You know what relieves my stress?
Running.
You see my dilemma?
Besides being in pain everyday, I can no longer fit into my wardrobe because I am so bloated. And because of the pain, running hurts. Hell, even sitting hurts. I think I have finally gotten to the point where I'm about to go all Nancy Kerrigan "Why me?!" on everybody because I think I already have enough ailments to last a lifetime: Chondromalacia Patella starting at 13, Snapping Hip Syndrome appearing on vacation at 15, herniated disc in my lower back popping up during hockey at 19, arthritis in my lower back flaring up on the hockey bench at 20, an acting up left shoulder since tearing it during hockey practice at 19, bum right foot ever since breaking it before my wedding, and now this. I already live with my physical pain everyday since middle school to the point I'm so used to it that when the sciatica occurs and shoots from my back to my left knee, I barely even wince.
I seriously don't mind being broken with my old ailments because it helps build character and I have not let it slow me down in the least but this new problem is seriously kicking my ass. It is totally defeating me. Sometimes I just lie awake at night and silently cry, the cramping keeping me from a decent night's rest. Some days I push on, go to Zumba even though I want to vomit from the pain, hang out with friends even though I want to curl into a ball and wail, and eventually I free myself from the anguish. But then there are days like this, when my body is so exhausted it's screaming at me but there's nothing I can do to stop what is happening. I have no idea how to relieve the stress without being physical.
I know I should just suck it up. I know there are so many people out there that have it much worse. I know I should never feel sorry for myself because I have a very good life. But today I don't have the energy to be positive and I think it's okay that once and awhile, I let myself crumble into a pile of "woe is me".
3 comments:
No no no. You ABSOLUTELY should not feel guilty about bitching and moaning and pitching a fit over this. Are there other people who have it worse than you? Of course, there always will be. But that does not mean that you can't be enraged, upset, and all crankypants about the fact that your health is in the shitter lately (no pun intended).
As someone who suffers from unending migraines, I hear you. Feel free to whine and break down and bitch when you need to. Even if there are people worse in the world, it doesn't mean that you don't feel pain. I get it.
My heart breaks for you but hopefully with the doctor appt. this Wed. the problem will be solved. We all need a pity party now and then so don't get down on ypurself for "bitching"--My only regret is that I can't take your pain away from you. I love you Katie--Hang in there
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