Day: Two Hundred and Twenty
Photo taken on Wednesday, March 9, 2011 inside
St. Thomas More Catholic Church after the Ash Wednesday mass at 1257pm.
Indirectly, I am made to feel like a hypocrite for getting ashes today and I feel the need to explain myself:
I am Roman Catholic and maybe to some I appear as if I am "non-practicing" but I assure you that I am practicing. I practice Catholicism in my own special way. Back when I was younger and didn't know any better, I judged people who practiced too much or too little. But then I went to school in Boulder, "mellowed out", and came back a non-judger of Christianity.
I'm on the
outs with God at the moment but I am a big fan of Jesus. I'm not sure how to believe in God-someone I can't see- but it's easier for me to wrap my head around Jesus since He is a real person. Hell, the world even recognizes His birth as the proper time in history to start counting years a different way. If I thought Jesus was pretty darn cool beforehand, I find Him even cooler now that Steve has pointed out the possibility He might have been an alchemist (all those miracles with the bread and wine, sounds a lot like Fullmetal). Yeah, I definitely "Like" Jesus on Facebook.
When I make the decision today to go get ashes, a comment is made in the work place and no one will join me. They feel like a heathen if they go today because they never go to church. At first I feel awful too and then I remember
why I don't go to church anymore. The last time I go to church voluntarily it is with my friend, Elisa, on September 11, 2004. At this point I still need closure, losing someone still feels so raw, so when it comes time for the Homily, the priest tries to sell me a magazine. Not a word about the heroes or the victims. Nothing. I get up and walk out never to return again. Upon arrival at home, I write a heartfelt letter to my parish and they
ignore it and I vow to practice Catholicism my own way from now on.
I don't need to confess my sins to purge my soul; I do something wrong, I atone for it by apologizing to those I harm. I also volunteer my time for organized races that are for charities, that is my Penance. I abide by most of the commandments; I try not to kill anyone on the commute, I definitely do not have the skills to steal, and unless I know for sure what team Daniel Tosh is batting for I'm not cheating on Steve. When I pray it is either to Jesus or those that I have lost, and most of the time it is just to say hello or to ask them to help someone else in need. I "do onto others" even though sometimes the "others" really deserve a swift kick to the mouth. I generally try to be a good person, "pay it forward" whenever I can because this is what I have taken from all those years of Theology.
I may still be considered a hypocrite after my explanation but this is how I feel. I get my ashes today and I walk around the city proudly displaying my love for Jesus and his teachings. I may have a quirky way of showing my faith but it's the only way I know how to believe.
